Never Gets Easier

Packing up my office to get ready for the floor install. Just put Jake into a box with a bunch of books. I had to open his container to look inside. Collar and tags and what's left of my sweet boy.

Time to hug a puppy.

Happy 15th Blues Brothers

Happy 15th Birthday Jake and Woody. Ten years in my life and five years on my shelf. I think about you each and every day.

Thinking of You Today

Three years Jake. Still think of you each day. I'm surrounded by pictures that now make me smile. Funny though, I'm not compelled to tattoo an image of you on my body. Watching LA Ink, I have a hard time understanding how people want a tattoo of their grandmother on their arm. Really? A photo isn't doing it for you? To each his own.

Buried Treasure

In July 2005, the weekend before we moved to Austin, Jake, Woody, and I traveled to Orlando to participate in DACOF with the other folks in our training class. This was our first road trip for agility and my first time traveling with the dogs by myself, as Frank was in Austin finalizing the purchase of our house. There was so much to do with getting our costumes together, decorating the dinner table for the contest, and saying goodbye to my friends. The weekend was a blur and one that I will never forget.

I was so embarrassed by our lousy performance that I hadn't done anything with this video until now. This was our first event indoors on a slippery floor. Little did I know that this would be the norm when we got to Austin. I can watch this video now and smile even though we made so many mistakes. I'm grateful to have the video of my sweet boys.

Time Heals

I just realized today that I missed the Blues Brothers birthday on March 29. They would have turned 13 years old.

Blue Christmas

I really enjoy keeping in touch with agility people from our various hometowns, but it's so hard to read about the exploits of dogs who used to compete with Jake and Woody. Why are all these dogs still around and my boys are gone? It's so hard.

Coming up on a really hard day. December 23. We had to put Woody down. I had called the vet to see what days they were open. We had company coming December 24. Woody was bad. I didn't want to have to take him to the ER to be put down. I wanted a familiar place where people knew him. I didn't know how many more days he would last. So we did it and the next day we had to smile and entertain our guests. We never got the time to mourn and I'm still really mad about it.

So December 23, we will say goodbye to Woody again and celebrate Maggie's second birthday. Hopefully one day we'll feel festive about the holidays again.

Two Year Anniversary

Missing you Jake. Shane is becoming more and more like you. Maggie is giving him the same business that Shane gave to you. What goes around I guess. Wish you were here.

Fear

Many discussions lately on whether on not you should comfort your dog when it's frightened. It seems that it's OK now to give them comfort as you can't reinforce fear. Having reactive dogs has made me more aware of these situations.

Reading all the posts on reinforcing fear brought back memories. Jake and Woody were frightened of loud noises, fireworks, and thunderstorms. Woody would claw at me to pick him up when he was frightened. We would cuddle during storms, the longest being the two weekends we spent in the laundry room during the hurricanes. I used to long for storms so I could cuddle with Woody as he was very aloof. On his last day, when he was so sick, Woody clawed at my leg to pick him up and cuddle. There was no storm, but he was frightened. I didn't realize it then.

Walking Maggie alone, without Shane or Frank, has become a struggle. She pauses to sniff every 2 feet. I tried giving the leash a tug, but it didn't work too well. I discovered she would do OK when I was running, but can't keep that up for long. I realize now that she is scared to be out there with all the noises so I am treating her every chance I get. Our walks are shorter but I can tell she is having fun.

I so envy people who can just take their dogs for a walk. Our walks are intense training sessions. Twice a day. Every day. Takes its toll.

Out With the Old and In With the New

Need to make room for Shane's ribbons, so decided to toss out Jake's ribbons instead of buying another plastic bin. Going through the ribbons wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I found the very first ribbon that Jake won at our very first trial that got us into this whole costly mess. I'm going to do something special with that one.

1st place
Novice A JWW
November 23, 2001

I remember it well. Phoenix fairgrounds. Jumpers ring was set up under a grove of trees so it was nice and shady. Jake did great. Over too quickly. On to Standard, and we blew it big time, but the jumpers ribbon hooked me.
Also found the four blue ribbons Jake won at what I call The Perfect Show. Both Jake and Woody qualified in all their runs. Woody got his MX and MXJ that weekend. It was Jake's first show in Novice Preferred as I had given up on his jumping 16 inches. I'm going to make a shadow box to commemorate those magical two days. September 23-24, 2006.

Blast from the Past

I was cleaning out my office and found this article that I wrote for my clubs newsletter in 2000. I must be OK, because I can read this stuff and not cry.

A Different Kind of Rescue Story
Woof! Summer 2000

From time to time, we all do things that we would rather not have publicized.... but some of them are so funny, that keeping it a secret would simply be criminal! Good Dog club member, Susan DeMar, had one of these moments at our picnic. Following is what happened from her Sheltie's (Jake) point of view.

Woody and I had a wonderful time at the picnic in June. I'm Jake and my brother is Woody - the two blue merle shelties. Our Mom, bless her soul, tries her best, but she is really a spaz at handling. She couldn't get me out of my perpetual loop in the tunnel and poor Woody was too freaked to go over the dog walk.

Unfortunately, Mom is not only a spaz at handling; she is a spaz at life. On the way back to the car, she put the crate down by the trunk because she wanted to get us into the air conditioning. When she turned it on full blast, I kinda freaked out and she slammed the car door so I wouldn't jump out. Here's where the controversy lies.... Did she lock the door or did I? We'll never know.... There we were trapped in the car, but at least the air conditioning was on.

We watched as Mom ran around the parking lot looking for a cell phone. Luckily, Abbey's Mom was just leaving and gave her one. She called our Dad, but he wasn't in the house. Then we saw Mom flag down a nice man in a giant truck and he tried to open the door with his antenna. That was fun to watch. Finally, I saw Mom get a man off the rood of the latrine and he called the fire department. Now the fun begins!

First the Gilbert police show up and offer to break the car window. Mom probably would have done it but the air conditioning was going full blast and we were fine. A big fire truck pulls up and three men with a bunch of tools start working on the door. Even with a manual, it took them some time to open the door. Mom was glad it was so hard to break into her car. We were fine and enjoyed all the attention.

Dad was so glad that we were OK that he didn't get mad at Mom. The car is a little scratched, but who cares. Everyone is fine and that's all that counts.

Thank you all for helping my Mom at the picnic. Good Dog Agility people are good people. And special thanks go to the Gilbert Police and Fire Departments. They are good dog people too!

Jake and Woody DeMar

One Year Ago

It's been one year since Jake left us. I still think of him every day. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I always shake them off and go on. Missing the signs of Jake's illness over last summer is the one mistake that I cannot shake off. I watch Woody to see if he is exhibiting any signs, but he seems to get stronger every day. I don't want to make the same mistake with him.

Missing Jake Today

More Tears for Jake

This weekend, we received a sympathy card from the vet at Lakeline and a letter from the American College of Veterinary Internal Medicine notifying us of a donation made in Jake's name by the vets and staff of Central Texas Veterinary Speciality Hospital.

At the show this weekend, I was telling a friend about Jake's passing and how it may be affecting Woody's performance. She told me of a dog who was perfectly fine one morning and dead that afternoon from a snake bite. She said to run your dog like it's the last run of their life. You just never know.

I'll never be frustrated over a run again. It's all fun.

Jake, We miss you

Thank you Mark and Ritzy for the tribute to Jake. I got this notice before the trial this past weekend. I had been focusing on getting Shane ready for his first USDAA trial and hadn't thought about Jake for a few days. Receiving this gift brought it all back and the tears flowed. I can't believe how much I miss him.

Jake is Home

Picked up Jake today. I was studying the bill when the tech handed me a paper sack. Startled, I looked up at her. This is Jake? I'm taking my dog home in a bag, like it was a pair of shoes I had just purchased at the mall. In the car, I looked in the bag and there are several pieces of paper printed with stories that I know will make me cry, so I don't read them.

At home, I unpack the bag. Inside a lovely blue velvet bag is a cedar box with my Jake's remains. He now sits on a shelf in my office. Home at last.

I keep a year's worth of ribbons on a bulletin board in my office. Jake still has ribbons hanging from his shows this past spring. How can he be gone?

In case you are wondering how much it costs for half-a-dozen vets to figure out what is wrong with your dog over a week of hospital care - $3600. I can't imagine what it would be if they had actually found something wrong. How do people afford this?

So I put his Certificate of Cremation into the binder where I've kept all his other Certificates of Agility. Oddly, the brochure on grieving included in the bag doesn't mention bitterness.

Remembering

The warm messages and flowers have touched our hearts and allowed us to think about our dear sweet Jake. Thank you all for your kindness. The house seems so empty. Shane and Woody seem too quiet. Jake's remains will be ready tomorrow and we'll go through this all again.
Today all I can think about is how he licked the Vet's hand right before she injected him. It's as if he knew what she was going to do, but I know he didn't. That was just Jake. A lovable boy even though he was so sick. When little kids wanted to pet our dogs, I always let them pet Jake because I knew he'd be gentle.

Threw out every chewie in our house and went shopping for non-China items. Found Merrick rawhide that is stuffed with a sausage. Kept Shane and Woody busy for quite some time.

Jake, Always in Our Hearts

Jake left us this afternoon. When the tech brought him out to us, he seemed so alive. I forgot for a moment that he was sick. I took him outside and his back legs collapsed. He cannot walk. I carried him over to the grass, but he didn't have to go. We went back inside and visited for a bit. I showed the vet some pictures of Jake doing agility so she could know the Jake that we knew. Jake tried so hard to stand up, but he just couldn't. He leaned on me and I kissed him. Told him that we loved him and will never forget him. He melted in my arms on the first injection. I let him slide to the floor. He let out a heavy breath and then he was gone. It was all over so fast. Our little boy is at rest now and we will miss him for the rest of our lives.

Jake, Last Day

No change this morning. Kidney enzymes still elevated. No interest in food. BUN 43 and Creatinine 2, and that is on fluids. Protein dropping. Stool OK, no redness. Red Count 31% - no indication of blood loss. The Doctor said the only option was to open him up and she said they would probably find some kind of cancer. The best thing is to put him down, so that is what we are going to do this afternoon.

I never thought this day would come so soon. This is my first dog as an adult. I had a dog as a very young girl, and it just disappeared one day. No one told me what had happened, but I'm sure now that my grandpa took it out to the corn field and shot it. That was how people dealt with dogs in rural Ohio in the mid 1950s. Now our dogs get better care than most people in third world countries. Jake got the best care imaginable. Dr. Locke at Central Veterinary Specialty Hospital is an angel and all the doctors at Lakeline are as well. Everyone touched him in some way this past week. We tried everything and he hasn't responded to anything they've done. If only he would eat.

Jake, Out of Options

The Doctor just called. Jake is the same. She said that most activity she's seen from him was right after we left yesterday. He was barking and had a personality. Still has not eaten. Not even the turkey we left for him. The two options now are to open him up to search for cancer not seen on an ultrasound. I'm not doing that to him. The other option is to insert a feeding tube, which she said is usually a temporary thing. So that is not an option for us either.

I told her that she was going to have to walk us through this because we've never done this before. Ideally, I would like to bring him home for one last night with us, but I don't want to risk having to drive him to the EC in the middle of the night. If he has to go, I want him to go there at the hospital or at Lakeline, not the EC. She said that we would talk about it in the morning.

I asked her about vaccinations and she said he would have reacted three weeks or so right after the shot, so she thinks not, but she said she hasn't given shots to her dogs in quite some time except for Rabies. When I look back at Jake's life, he has licked his paws forever, which makes me think he's had allergies for quite some time. Perhaps he just had a weak immune system all along, and that last shot just tipped the scales a little bit to cause this decline. Maybe he has cancer. I guess at this point it doesn't matter. He doesn't deserve to go on like this, alone in a cage hooked up to a machine among strangers.

I think Shane misses Jake. Even though Jake never wanted to play with him, Shane tried and now there is no one to tease. He is quiet and snuggles with me more than he used to. We all miss Jake.

Jake, Still Our Boy

Doctor called this morning. Jake is stable; no better and no worse. He won't eat, which is the most important thing right now. The Doc wants to keep him on steroids over the weekend and see how he is by Monday morning. He seems OK in the hospital, but that is not a long-term solution. His quality of life is the concern now.

I had read about the Smokehouse recall this morning and worried because we had given those treats to the boys before. I hadn't in a long time and Frank doesn't remember. I scoured the house for treats that were made in China. All in the trash now. Asked the Doc about it and she said that Jake would have shown different symptoms and responded differently to treatment. I still think it's overvaccination. Haven't asked her about that yet.

Last evening, Frank and I prepared to put Jake down this morning. Dove into the tequila bottle a little bit. Our brother-in-law called and Frank was too soused to speak. He kept telling me to catch up to him, but I never made it. I started working on a new video for Jake, which helped me keep my mind off things. Now that the decision is put off until Monday morning, our livers will get a bit of a rest.

We visited Jake this morning. Took a bunch of food. He came out of the back looking pretty good. Tail wagging. Eyes bright. I took him out to pee and his back legs collapsed when he lifted his leg. He had trouble standing. His pee looked good. We walked a bit and he seemed stronger. Took him into a room to try to get him to eat. He had no interest in the chicken and steak, but he ate a bit of the deli turkey. Ate about two pieces and then stopped. Barked a little, so I took him out to pee again. A little blood at the end, but he was walking better. Doctor thinks he is still passing bits of that clot in his bladder, but it was pretty bright red. I would think a two-day old clot would be more brown.

We played with him a bit and cuddled. He seemed to tire so we called the vet tech to come get him. Went around the corner to Central Market to buy some more turkey for him. Left it with the vet tech, who seemed very concerned. They are truly kind and caring at this hospital. Very comforting. There are no visiting hours tomorrow, but the Doctor said she would call in the morning.

Jake has always been a picky eater, which isn't helping. I hope the ulcer meds he is getting start to work tomorrow. Monday is decision day.

Jake, A Little Visit

Just got back from visiting Jake at the hospital. What a fabulous place. Very professional. The tech brought Jake out to the lobby and he looked great. I took him out to pee and he was looking around. Seemed to know the drill. When we were traveling back and forth across the country, he stressed out for a few days and then got into the groove of riding in the car all day and sleeping in a hotel. Seemed to accept that this was his new life. That's how he appears now. This is his new life.

I tried to get him to eat and he tried very hard to please me. He ate a few pieces of turkey and then seemed to stress. Barked a little and then lost his back legs again. It startled Frank because he hadn't seen it happen yesterday. I don't really see a difference from the steroids. I held him for quite some time and he wasn't restless. He never used to let me hold him that long. I took him out to pee again and a few blood clots came out.

My sweet baby. I wished I believed in the afterlife. I like the idea of the Rainbow Bridge, but it doesn't fit with the logic in my head. I believe we just cease to be. Time to go to sleep little boy. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but today gave me no hope.